


A Wolf Among the Roses

by Northern_Lady



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Forced Marriage, Nightmares, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-02 17:57:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5258204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Northern_Lady/pseuds/Northern_Lady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sansa Stark does not marry Tyrion Lannister. Instead she marries someone else. She thinks that marriage to Ser Loras will be a dream come true but life is never quite so simple as that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I awaken to the sound of the door of my chambers being flung open. It is not the first time I have awoken like this. King Joffrey strides in, smiling smugly and tears open the curtains around my bed. The bright light from the windows hurts my eyes and I cover them with my arm. 

“Get out of bed Sansa. We’re going for a walk.” The king tells me. 

I bite back a groan as I move to leave the bed. My back and legs are still sore from the King’s recent punishment but I don’t dare to complain about the pain or the early hour. He would likely just punish me further for it. I do my best cover myself as I stumble out from under the covers wearing only a sleeping shift. Joffrey takes in the view of my body before turning away abruptly and marching towards the door. 

“Get dressed and be quick about it.” He says as he leaves. “I don’t have all day.” 

“Yes your grace,” I mumble, thankful that he has left the room for the time being. I dress as quickly as I can without the help of any maids but it isn’t easy to lace up the back of my dress alone. Finally I take a deep breath before going to the hallway where the king is waiting. 

“Took you long enough.” He says, clearly irritated. 

If he had sent in the maids to help me I would have been faster but I make no comment on the matter. “My apologies your Grace.” I say, hoping it will be enough. 

I glance to the hallway and see that he is guarded today by Meryn Trant and Sandor Clegane. Neither of them look at me as I emerge from my chambers. They stand along the wall, stoic and disinterested as ever. 

“Come along then.” Joffrey says, turning to walk down the corridor. I follow him and his guards follow after us. 

“Where are we going, your grace?” I dare to ask. 

“What does it matter where we’re going?” Joffrey says. “I am the king, and if I tell you to go somewhere it is your duty to obey me and go there.” 

Gods, I can see he is in an ill temper today. “Of course your grace.” I say as agreeably as I can.

We walk a while further in the direction of the gardens. “I have arranged a surprise for you Sansa.” The king says and then he looks to me to see my reaction to his news. 

I do my best to seem curious and excited but can only manage a weak smile. I know from experience that his surprises are never happy ones. 

“My mother was going to visit you this morning.” He says, “She was coming for you right after breakfast to give you the news, news that she tried to keep from me, her king.” 

I do not know what to say to this. Joffrey is angry with his mother and perhaps wants sympathy. Does he want me to say something against the Queen Regent? So I wait for him to continue. 

“You should be thankful that I got to you first.” He says, almost proud of himself. “She was going to have you married off to my Uncle, the Imp.” 

I try to hide my reaction to this news. I have no way of knowing if it is even true. I am supposed to marry Ser Loras, Margaery promised me it would be so. I can not imagine marriage to Tyrion Lannister. I don’t want to imagine it, 

“Mother doesn’t get to just make these plans without my consent. I am the king. She thinks that she can rule the Seven Kingdoms through me. She thinks that she can make these decisions without even consulting me! She is going to learn today how wrong she is!” He is nearly shouting.

For a moment my heart is caught in my throat. Is Joffrey sending me home out of revenge against his mother? But some part of me knows that can not be true. He has some other plan for me. He must. And I must make sure that he doesn’t let the marriage happen and do it without seeming to take sides against him or the queen regent. I have no idea how to do that. 

“Perhaps I can help you find a solution, your grace.” I say. 

He glares at me then continues to speak. “Lady Margaery already found the solution. I overheard mother making her plans for you and and I told my betrothed all about it. The only solution is to marry you to her brother Ser Loras before my mother even knows about it. We’re going to the Sept right now.” 

Oh. I am to marry Ser Loras right now. The world feels as if it has come crashing down on top of me. I am overjoyed and I am terrified all at once. I am not wearing my finest dress. My hair is a wreck. King Joffrey must not be allowed to know how happy and nervous I suddenly feel. It has to be a trick. It has to.

“I am happy to serve the crown in this matter.” I say, as neutrally as I can. 

Joffrey stops walking and takes a long look at me. “You’re not upset about this at all.” He says, as I am unable to fully hide my happiness at the possibility.

“As I said, I am happy to serve the crown.” I repeat, monotone. 

Joffrey stares at me as if he is amused about something. “You don’t know do you?” 

“Know what, your grace?” I ask warily. 

“I’ve seen the way all maidens look at Ser Loras at the tourneys. You hope he’ll actually care for you.” 

“Well I…” I stammer. Why is he being so cruel? I may be a Stark and the daughter of a traitor in his eyes but Loras will not see me that way, will he?

Joffrey grabs my arm and continues walking, pulling me alongside him. He leans close enough to whisper in my ear and I fight my urge to shrink away from him in disgust. “He’ll never care for you.” Joffrey says. 

I pull away from him just a little. “I don’t expect he’ll care for me right away but my mother said that given time…” 

“He won’t care for you because he isn’t like that.” Joffrey says a little louder. 

“Isn’t like what?” I say, feeling stupid for even asking the question. 

“Tell her, Ser Meryn, what Ser Loras is like.” Joffrey says, turning back to his guard. 

“The knight of the Flowers prefers to fuck men.” Trant says, matter of factly. 

It takes a moment for the words to sink in and even when they do, the words make no sense. “People do that?” I find myself saying, mostly out of shock. 

“Yes, people do that.” Joffrey says, “If you want to call them people… anyhow, your husband to be has no love for women. Don’t expect a happy marriage. You don’t deserve one anyway, the daughter of a traitor shouldn’t be honored with a good match.” 

“Of course your grace.” I say, my eyes downcast. My mind is still reeling from what he has just told me. I am unsure if what Meryn Trant and Joffrey say is even true. Can there really be men who prefer men over women? I have never heard of such a thing before. Perhaps the king only intends to trick me so he could laugh about it later or perhaps it is the truth. I simply do not know.

We reach the Sept and Margaery is waiting with her brother. Ser Loras looks anxious, strained. Lady Olenna and the Septon are there as well. Margaery rushes over to me and takes my hands. “I am so glad that you will soon be my sister.” She says. 

I hug her and soon the ceremony begins. Joffrey gives me away. I do not want to walk down the aisle with him, I wish my dress was nicer, my hair was in place, but I know that we have to do this quickly if we are going to do it at all. I repeat the vows after the septon but find myself beginning to worry. What if all of this is a farce? What if Loras never learns to care for me? Before I quite know what has happened Loras is putting the Tyrel cloak on my shoulders. Then he bends and kisses me and it is so much nicer than when Joffrey kissed me. Maybe I am worried for no reason. Maybe our marriage will work out just fine. 

There is no feast. We leave the Sept to go straight our new chambers. Lady Olenna and Margaery say polite goodbyes as we are leaving. Joffrey smirks and says he wishes us luck. I am well aware that he doesn’t mean a word of it. 

I am growing more anxious as we get closer to our room. I am not afraid of Ser Loras or of the bedding. I know a little about what will happen. I know it might hurt the first time. I know that he will kiss me and we will take off our clothes and that he will put his manhood inside me. I am worried that I will do something wrong or that he will find the scars from Joffrey’s beatings to be too ugly. Mostly I am worried that I won’t know what to do. 

We reach the room and Loras pulls open the door with too much force. Is he angry? He walks swiftly into the room and takes a cup of liquid that is waiting for him on the bedside stand. He almost looks relieved to find it there. He drinks the liquid down without a word. He turns to me and hold out his hand. I take his hand and allow myself to be pulled closer. He puts his arms around me and gently kisses me. I have never been kissed like this before. This is nothing like Joffrey’s slobbery wet kiss or the peck on the lips I received as a girl in Winterfell. This kiss is passionate, determined. He tightens his arms around me and I gasp, surprised at how good it feels. 

He pulls away to look at me. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes...I’m...I’m good.” I say, heat filling my cheeks. He looks skeptical somehow but he leans closer and resumes kissing me anyway. His hands are shaking as he begins to untie the lace on my dress. I respond by tugging at the laces on his shirt. He kisses my neck as he pulls the dress off my shoulder and lets it drop to the floor. I am unaware of how we get the rest of our clothes off. I am aware of nothing but the feeling of his lips, his hands, on my skin. I gasp again as he picks me up and lays me on the bed. I glimpse his manhood and feel a moment of panic at what is to come. But he is climbing on top of me, settling his body against mine and I am too hungry for his lips to care about what is to come. 

He continues to kiss me as his hands run over my body. He puts one knee between my legs to spread them and I willingly do as bidden. He gently pushes his way inside me, a little at a time and though it feels tight and uncomfortable there is no pain. When he is fully sheathed inside me I feel a fullness I have never felt. He slowly moves himself back out of me and I gasp at the sensation, my eyes fly open. 

“Did I hurt you?” Loras whispers, stilling himself. 

“No.” I say breathlessly. “Not at all.” 

His eyes widen as realizes that I am enjoying this and then he looks a little sad. Closing his eyes, he moves within me again and I can not bite back the cry of pleasure that forms on my lips. I have been told by the maids that it would be pleasant but I am not prepared for anything to feel this good. There has been so much pain in the past two years. So much hurt. Hardly anyone ever says a kind word to me and now all of that is over and I can look forward to a life of this bliss. I cry out a second time, digging my fingernails into his back. He is breathing heavily above me, panting really, and somehow the sound is making me want him to move faster. A little hesitantly, I wrap my legs around his body to pull him deeper inside me. Loras is kissing or sucking on my neck as he thrusts within me and I feel as if I am reaching or searching for something but I don’t know what it is. Whatever it is, it is wonderful. He lifts his upper body onto his hands so he is no longer close to me but at this angle he moves faster. I am unaware of how long we stay like this. I have a fleeting thought that I am hot and sweaty and breathing quickly and probably look ridiculous but I can not hold on to the thought for long as I am so caught up in the feelings that his body is bringing to mine. Then I feel a burst of pleasure, a throbbing that begins in my womanhood and radiates into my whole body, then intensity of it causes me to moan in a most unladylike fashion. My body stills and my husband stills as well. I open my eyes to look at him and find him looking down at me, confused or maybe worried. He resumes moving within me and I move with him. For a long while he thrusts in me. I don’t know how long. I don’t want it to ever end. Loras movements become faster and faster, frenzied. He groans much like I did and I feel the throbbing of his member inside me. I feel warm liquid that I suppose must be his seed. He pulls out of me and lays next to me as the seed spills onto my thighs. I had not known it would be like this. Maybe Joffrey made the mistake of giving me a good surprise. 

I awake later in the night with a start. There had been a dream. I was in the throne room, Joffrey was there having me beaten. I know it is only a dream now that I am awake but I can not stop the flood of tears that these nightmares often give me. Between my sobs I feel a hand on my arm in the dark. 

“Sansa?” Ser Loras my husband says. 

I respond with a sniffle. 

“Did you have a nightmare?” He asks, 

“I did.” I say with another sniffle. Then I roll closer to him on the bed. I only want a hug. He is my husband now and a knight. I want the safety of being close to him. As my bare skin comes against his, his body goes stiff. 

“W-what are you doing?” Loras asks, seemingly confused. 

“Oh…I thought…” I thought he would be willing to comfort me. I pull away at the indication that he is not. 

His arm comes around me and he pulls me close to him rather stiffly. “No… it’s… it’s… just go back to sleep.” 

I sleep, content in the knowledge that I am safe now. 

**************************

It is three days since I have been wed. My husband returned to his duties the morning after the wedding. He is no longer a kingsguard but has been given a new position as his sister’s personal guard. Somehow Lady Olenna has arranged for him to stay in Kings Landing until such time as his father passes away and he is needed as the Lord of Highgarden. I am saddened to stay longer here but am happy that Margaery will have her brother to keep her safe from Joffrey. I wish my brother had been able to do the same for me. 

My husband has not been to my bedchamber since the wedding night. In fact I hardly see him at all with the exception of the evening meal. I try to speak to him and be attentive for what little time I see him and he seems happy to speak with me about his day and about highgarden and Margaery and about anything besides the fact that we are now married. 

He sits across from me now, cutting the meat on his plate with more vigor than necessary. I suspect he is in a hurry to finish the meal and leave me. 

“How was your day, my lord?” I ask him amicably. 

He meets my eyes with a tentative smile. “It was rather dull to be quite honest. It mostly consisted of following Margaery around while she chatted with the ladies of the court and made plans for the royal wedding.” 

I agree that his duties do sound rather dull. “But Margaery must be grateful for your presence I am sure.” I say. 

“Probably. Though I doubt she shall ever need me to actually defend her. Margaery is safe just by being a Tyrell. The king needs our aid.” Loras says with irritation. 

I look down at my hands. I can see that he is angry about something. Perhaps he is angry about being assigned as his sister’s guard. Perhaps he never truly wanted us to marry. There is so little I know about him that I can’t be sure of anything. 

“It must be nice to have a name that makes you safer.” I say sadly, without fully thinking it through.   
Loras stops eating and looks up at me. “Sansa, you are a Tyrell now. You are as safe as my sister is. Who would ever want to harm you anyway? You are kind and good and beautiful. Surely no one would hurt a lady such as yourself.” 

Tears spring to my eyes at his kind words and from disappointment as well. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what Joffrey is, what he is capable of. I am not safe. I am a still a traitor's daughter, I was born to House Stark and Joffrey will not forget that. I struggle to keep my hands from shaking as I reach up to wipe my tears with a napkin. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry… why are you crying?” Loras says worriedly, and with genuine concern. 

“I am the daughter of a traitor.” I say and it comes out as a sob. “Lady or not, the king will not soon forget who I am.” 

“Perhaps not, but he can not punish you for the supposed crimes of your father.” Loras says reassuringly. 

“He already punished me for the crimes of my brother.” I tell him. 

Loras visibly pales. “When? What did he do? How did I not know about this?” 

I hesitate. I don’t want to speak of the humiliation because it is almost like living it over again. But I am a wolf. I am not afraid of words. “His Grace punished me because my brother captured Jaime Lannister in battle. He took me before the court and had me stripped naked and beaten. That was the first time. There have been other punishments too.” 

“What other punishments?” He says, putting down his knife and fork and wiping his hands on the napkin so that he can listen. I think he seems concerned and I feel relief that perhaps he does care for me after all. 

“Sometimes he has his guards strike me if I say something that displeases him. He’s had me stripped and beaten four times since I’ve been here. Only once in front of the court…’ 

“My sister told me that his grace was not kind to you but she never said…” Loras does not finish his sentence. “Your nightmares on the wedding night, they were because of what the king did to you?” He says, understanding dawning in him. 

I nod, too choked up to say anything else or to explain that I also dream of my father and the day he died. 

“You must be frightened to be alone at night.” Loras says. 

I nod again. “Yes. I often am.” Could he be thinking of sharing a bed with me more often? 

Loras lets out a sigh. “Sansa, there is something I need to tell you.” He gets up and begins to pace the room. Clearly he is worried about whatever it is that he wants to tell me, “I can’t do this...I can’t be the husband you want me to be… and it isn’t fair to you to try to pretend that I can.” 

“What do you mean? I think you have done nothing wrong as a husband...I..I have no complaints…” I say trying to reassure him. 

He stops walking and turns to face me. He runs his fingers through his hair as if he is at a loss for words. “You are a lovely and perfect lady Sansa, any man should be lucky to have you as a wife… but I...I have never wanted to be a husband to any woman. I have no interest in the love of women. I never have… I can be your friend, I can be your knight, I can be your shield, but I can not be your husband. I’m sorry.” 

Joffrey and Ser Meryn Trant’s words are nagging in my head. Had they been telling the truth after all? I need to know, as uncomfortable as it will be to ask him, I need to know the truth. And yet I can not find the words to ask him about any of it. 

“What are you saying?” I hear myself ask. “We are already married...I...I don’t understand.” 

Loras sighs and begins again. “You must have heard the rumors about me?” 

I nod. “Yes but I dare not trust any rumors from Meryn Trant.” 

“What did he tell you?” Loras makes himself ask, eyes closed, as he reaches up to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

A lady would never repeat the words that Meryn Trant had used. “He said that you prefer… men… over women…” I say, a blush rushing to my cheeks. 

“It’s true.” Loras sighs. “I would like to care for you as a friend Sansa, as the best friend you will have in this city. I will do everything I can to keep you safe from the Lannisters just as I will for my sister. I will see to it that you are fed and clothed. You can speak to me about anything, anything at all and you will have my full confidence. If you would prefer to not sleep alone because of your nightmares I will sleep next to you, but I can not be your lover. I was not made as other men are made. I am sorry.” 

I understand now why Joffrey had given me to Ser Loras. He only meant to to torment me. This was worse than marriage to the imp could ever be. To be married to a man I admired but who could never return my affection...I find that I am crying and I quickly brush the tears out of my eyes. 

“Sansa...I am sorry… I truly am.” Loras says. He looks more broken and sad then I have ever seen him and I realize in that moment that he is just as sad as I am. He is trapped in a marriage he doesn’t want to be in just as I am. Maybe he even loves someone somewhere and has to keep it secret. I am not alone in my pain. We at least share that much. 

“I would like some time alone to think.” I say, doing my best to gather my composure. 

“Of course,” He says folding his hands in front of him, then he give a quick bow. “Good night lady Sansa.” 

He leaves me alone and I take a turn pacing the room, lost in a maze of thought. I have been happy for a total of three days. I might have known it wouldn’t last. Nothing good ever does. I go to the bed and throw myself across the mattress. I curl up and cry myself to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

I am angry by the time my husband arrives for dinner the following evening. A night and a day to think have not made me feel better. I only feel worse. Loras seems anxious when he enters the room. “Good evening Lady Sansa.” He says barely concealing his anxiety. 

“Good evening Ser Loras.” I say, rather cooly. 

He crosses the room and pulls out my chair at the table. I sit and wait while he takes his own seat. 

“How was your day?” Loras asks me as the servants scurry out of the room to leave us alone. 

“Fine.” I say through gritted teeth. 

“Well you will not believe what The Hound said to his Grace today.” Loras begins, eager to ease the tension I am bringing to the room. “The Queen Regent was speaking about plans for the wedding feast and wanted to serve duck as one of the courses and Joffrey made some comment-” 

“I don’t care.” I interrupt him. I know I am being rude. I know that this is no way for a lady to treat her husband but he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be a husband. Why should I pretend to be a wife? 

“What?” Loras asks me a little confused. 

“I said I don’t care. I don’t care what foul amusing statement the Hound may have made. I don’t care what they are serving at the royal wedding feast. I don’t care about going to see the dress maker your grandmother arranged for me to see tomorrow. My life is ruined and I haven’t the energy to care about anything!” I feel like a child saying such words. It is something my younger self might have shouted at Septa Mordane. I am no longer that child. I need to get ahold of myself. 

“Sansa, I would hardly say your life is ruined.” Loras protests. 

I glare at him with a hatred I didn’t know I possessed. “You knew from the beginning that the marriage wasn’t going to be real. I think Margaery may have known it too. You tricked me. It’s too late for an annulment...and I can never… never…” I choke on a sob. 

“You think I wanted this?” Loras says. 

I shrug. “I don’t know. What do you want?” 

“I wanted to live my life with the man I loved, Renly Baratheon. But he’s gone and I have to be Lord of Highgarden someday. I have to be a husband and make heirs, and I can never let anyone know what I really am.” He says, stabbing his fork into the meat on his place with far too much force. “But can’t you see how this arrangement might be good for both of us?” 

I stare at him having no idea what he is talking about. 

“You need an ally here in the capital, someone to watch out for you and make sure the Lannisters don’t hurt you. I need a wife to put all the rumors at bay so that Highgarden can maintain their power.” 

“I don’t want an ally...I want…” 

“I know… you want love. And you deserve to be loved. If you want to be the mistress of some other man I would never stop you. Do whatever you must to see to your own happiness.” 

My mouth drops open in shock. I have never imagined being unfaithful to my husband, I can barely imagine it now. 

“Sansa please… I don’t want you to hate me. I want us to be friends.” Loras pleads and in spite of not wanting to, my stance softens. I do not understand why he doesn’t want to be a husband. I do not understand how he can prefer men. Until a few days ago I didn’t know that anyone was like that. But I can see that he is genuine in trying to earn my trust and he is right, I do need allies. It will be in my best interest if I try to get along with him, angry and betrayed as I feel. 

“You used me.” I finally make myself say. 

He looks down at his plate. “I didn’t want to. I wasn’t given a lot of choices. Grandmother said I must marry you and we must have one child or House Tyrell will become the shame of all the kingdom. She pretends that she doesn’t care that I’m different, that she doesn’t care who I love but in the end she’s hardly any different than Tywin Lannister. She wants power and honor for our house. Father does too. They didn’t give me a choice.” 

“What would they have done if you’d said no?” I ask, unsure if I can believe his reasons. 

“I did say no at first and they said they would send Olyvar away. I met him after Renly died. He is lowborn. If grandmother wants him sent away she has the power to do it. I could marry you and Olyvar could stay in the city, or I could refuse and he’d be sent away.” 

“Do… do you love Olyvar?” I dare ask him. It would all be quite romantic if it didn’t seem so strange to me. 

“I care for him a great deal.” Loras says sadly. “But that wasn’t really the point. Even if I had said no and they sent Olyvar away, they’d just find some other woman and some other way to make me marry. I couldn’t hope to stop it.” 

“So the last few nights, you were with Olyvar?” I ask, almost not wanting to know the answer. 

“One of them. The others I spent alone.” 

I struggle to swallow the mouthful of peas I have just tasted. “If you are trying to end the rumors about you then perhaps you had stay in my chambers more often.” I say. I don’t want to be close to him, not really. But I also don’t want to listen to the rumors that will fly if he doesn’t start spending more time with me. People will believe that I am a failure as a wife. It’s bad enough being the daughter of a traitor...

“Sansa...I...you know I can’t…” 

“I know. Just to sleep.” 

He nods. “You’re right. I will stay tonight if you will allow it.” 

We finish our food and I take out my sewing while my husband takes out a book. Watching him read I think that it is unfair that I can be married to man so handsome who doesn’t want me. I force myself not to dwell on it and focus on my stitches. 

As the hour grows late we retire from the solar and enter the bedchamber. I take off my dress and let down my hair then climb into bed wearing my shift. Shirtless, my husband climbs in beside me and blows out the last candle. I turn away from him and try to sleep only to feel his hand on my arm. 

“Good night Sansa.” He says. I say nothing in return. 

*********************************

I am in the throne room again, stripped of my clothes. Joffrey in taunting me, “The Young Wolf took my Uncle. If we want him to hear us we shall have to speak louder!” 

I feel the flat of the sword sting against my legs. I see members of the court watching me, staring at my nakedness. The sword strikes me again, knocking me to my knees. 

“Stand her up.” Joffrey demands and two of his guards haul me to my feet. The sword strikes again. I try to cover myself but can not cover everything with only my two hands. I see blood dripping down my leg. 

“Hit her harder!” Joffrey cries out, a smirk on his wormy lips. The sword hits again and I awaken with a gasp of breath. 

I am in my bedchamber and there is someone beside me. 

“Sansa?” Loras asks. 

He is my husband but there will be no comfort from him. I burst into tears and turn away from him, curling up on my side of of the bed. 

“Sansa, come here.” I feel his hand on my arm. 

“What… why? I thought…” I half turn towards him. 

“That I wouldn’t comfort you? I’m not heartless. Come here and and let me hug you. It is the least I can do.” 

I turn towards him and allow him to gather me into his arms. He pulls me close to him and kisses me on the forehead. “Did you dream of King Joffrey?” he asks me. 

I nod, not trusting myself to speak. 

“You don’t need to be afraid of him anymore you know? I won’t let him hurt you. I promise you that.” He says. 

I pull away just slightly to look into his eyes. I see only concern there. “You really mean that?” I ask him. 

“I really do.” He tells me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I could finish this story off in three chapters but I think it's going to take slightly more than that.

I have been well educated in the past few days. I know now that my husband was only able to bed me because of the herbs he drank on our wedding night. My handmaid Shae explained everything to me. I am aware now that I can not hope to ever have children or know pleasure with my husband without the help of those herbs. I know that even with the herbs, he probably doesn’t enjoy our time together. It saddens me and yet Loras has been so kind to me that I can almost accept it. Almost. 

I am encased in his arms again after another nightmare and though his presence is comforting and safe, it hurts somehow. I want nothing more than to reach up and kiss him again like on our wedding night. I want to feel him inside of me again and I know now that I can never make him want the same from me. For the first time in so long, I am safe, I am finally married to someone kind and good just as I have always wanted, and I am a dichotomy of joy and agony. 

Loras has gone back to sleep and I allow the tears that had ended after my nightmare to fall again. His embrace is so warm and secure and he is so handsome and I can not stay close to him for another moment. I gently pull myself out of his grip and leave the bed, putting on a robe over my shift. 

I know that I should not wander out of our rooms in the Red Keep at night but I go anyway, wanting to put some distance between myself and the confusion of my marriage for just a little while. The corridor is empty at this late hour. There are no guards or servants or anyone to be seen in the hallway. I am glad of that.I pull my robe a little more snugly around my body and set off towards the kitchens. Maybe they have a few lemon cakes hidden in a pantry somewhere. It can’t hurt to look. 

I enter the kitchen to find a candle has been left burning. Someone is here rummaging through the shelves and cabinets. I shouldn’t be out here alone in my robe with some stranger. I see movement in front of a shelf across the room. In the dim light the shape becomes clear and I see that it is a man. Even with his back turned I can see that he is strong and muscular. His shirt, the well made tunic of someone highborn, clings to the muscles of his back. I should slip back to my room before he sees me and yet something holds me here. He is not an old man, he is perhaps twenty years of age, with blond hair. And he is quite good looking. 

“Ah, I’ve found it. Lemon cakes!” He says to himself. 

“Lemon cakes?” I hear myself ask. 

The man startles at my voice but recovers quickly and turns to face me. Gods he is more handsome than I had first thought. I feel myself flush and then find my voice. 

“Yes, lemon cakes are my favorite.” I say. 

He smiles, an especially charming look on him. “Well then, it’s a good thing I have found two of them.” He holds out a plate offering me one of the pastries. 

I reach out to take one. “Thank you, my lord.” I assume he is noble but am unsure of his proper title. 

“I’m not a lord, that would be my father. Ser is just fine as my title.” He tells me then takes a bite. 

“Then I thank you Ser.” I say, correcting my mistake. I want to ask his name, to know which house he is from but he is already speaking again. 

“As a knight it is my duty to remind you that a lady such as yourself should not be out alone at this hour.” His words are teasing and not scolding in the least. 

“How do you know I’m a lady?” I ask, returning his tone. “Perhaps I am just a kitchen servant sent to fetch wine for my mistress.” He probably thinks I am lowborn and that is just fine with me. I don’t need everyone knowing that I was wandering about the castle alone in this state. 

“How did you know I was a lord?” He asks. 

“I didn’t know at all Ser. I was only being polite.” 

“And that is how I knew you are a lady. You don’t speak like a commoner at all. Besides, there is nothing common about beauty such as yours.” He says with ease. 

I blush and bite my lip nervously. I can’t help but wonder how many ladies he has used this sort of charm on. I won’t let it work on me. I won’t. 

We finish our cakes in amicable silence. I hurry to finish mine before him so that I can have an excuse to leave first. I take one step towards the door and he puts up his hand to stop me, his mouth full of cake. 

“Oh no you don’t.” He says, still smiling. “What kind of knight would I be if don’t escort you back to your chambers safely?” 

“I thank you Ser.” I tell him, feeling that I have no other choice. 

“Lead the way my lady.” He says, taking my arm. 

I am distracted by the warmth of his hand on my arm. It isn’t far back to my chambers and his hand lingers on my arm just a little too long before he takes his leave. 

“Will you be attending the royal wedding?” He asks me as his hand slides down my arm to grasp my hand and he takes a step back from me. 

I nod, too flustered for words. 

“I will be in attendance as well. That is the whole reason I am visiting the Capitol right now. I hope you’ll allow me to dance with you there. Good night my lady.” He says not waiting for my reply as he lifts my hand and gives it a kiss. 

I stand at the door for a long while after he is gone, unable to stop my racing heart. And the realization hits me that I don’t even know his name. 

********************************

The candles on the table in our solar flicker prettily as I eat my evening meal alone. Loras told me yesterday that he would not be coming to dinner. He did not say why. I can guess why, anyhow. He has spent every night in my chambers for an entire fortnight. He has helped me to find solace after my nightmares. I value his presence more than he can know. I know that if he was with me, he has not spent any time with Olyvar. I am unsure how I feel about Olyvar. Loras is probably with him now. Do I hate this unknown lowborn man who my husband cares for? I weigh the question in my mind again for the thousandth time and find that I don’t hate Olyvar, I hate my life. But I am curious about Olyvar. 

The servants finish clearing the table and leave me alone again with my thoughts. I can not shake the interest I feel in my husband’s relationship with this other man. Does he love him? How do they even pleasure each other? Loras is probably in his chambers right now. Without quite realizing I am doing it, I leave my rooms and go out into the corridor. I know the way to Loras’ old chambers. I won’t disturb or interrupt him. I would never do that but my curiosity compels me to just go close enough to listen. 

I approach the door to Loras chambers very cautiously. I check five times to see that corridors are clear. I wouldn’t want anyone to catch me spying on my husband. I place my ear against the door and I can hear noise inside the room. Moaning. I have only known a man once and his cries of pleasure were nothing like this. They are enjoying each other and I am disturbed by the knowledge that I can never do that for him. I stay and listen, mesmerized and saddened by what I hear. My cheeks are flush and my woman’s place is throbbing. I stay and listen, ashamed of myself for being here, for listening, for letting the sounds I hear affect me like this. I stay until they have finished. 

The room is quiet for a time and I am about to leave. I hear the sound of one of them getting out of bed. 

“Seven hells, we’re out of wine.” I hear Loras say. 

“That’s alright. I’ll go get us some more.” The voice can only be Olyvar’s. 

Panicked, I hurry to leave to corridor and find some place out of sight before he exits the room. All the doors in the corridor are closed. There are no alcoves to duck into. There is no where to go. The door opens and a shirtless young man comes out. He stops short at the sight of me, looking quite panicked himself. 

“Uh...Loras?” Olyvar calls out, frozen in place as if he is afraid of me. 

“What is it?” Loras replies from within the room. 

“It’s your wife.” Olyvar says, sounding worried. 

I hear movement inside the room and Loras comes to the doorway and sticks his head out. He is naked and I can feel myself reddening with the mortification of it all. 

“What is it Sansa? Is something wrong?” He asks, confused but not angry to my great relief. 

“It’s nothing, I just…” I can think of no explanation that will get me out of the trouble I’m in so I decide to just tell him the truth. It can hardly be worse than lying because I’m terrible with lies and Loras will know if I‘m doing it. “I thought Olyvar might be here and I was curious about him.” 

Loras mouth drops open and the door to the room closes. I wonder if Loras is angry and shutting me out. Olyvar stares at me not knowing what to do anymore than I do. The door is wrenched open again and Loras is wearing breeches but no shirt. 

“Don’t just stand there in the hallway.” Loras says, barely masking his irritation as he motions us into the room. 

“She...she..knows about us?” Olyvar says. 

“I told her, yes.” Loras says, then turns to me and I can see the disbelief on his face. “You wanted to meet Olyvar?” 

I never said that I wanted to meet him. I hadn’t wanted that at all but it would be rude to say so now. I have to say the courteous thing. “I should like to meet all of my lord husband’s… friends.” I stammer well aware that I am blushing again. 

Loras can not hide the doubt on his face and I can hardly blame him. “Sansa, this is Olyvar. Olyvar, my wife Sansa.” He says, awkwardly. 

I should say that I am pleased to meet him now, Olyvar should say the same to me but neither of us can form the words and so we just stare at one another. 

“Perhaps I should escort you back to your chambers now.” Loras breaks the tense silence. He reaches for my arm. 

“Thank you, but I can walk there just fine on my own Ser.” I say, slightly irritated and pull away from him. 

“I would be remiss in my duty if I let you go alone.” Loras says. 

“It would be rude to your guest to leave him here alone.” I say and turn for the door but not before I see the torn expression on my husband’s face. He doesn’t know what to do. I am making him chose sides by my behavior. He takes a step closer to me as I reach for the door handle and I feel a twinge of guilt.”Perhaps the both of you could walk with me.” I say not knowing I was even capable of the words. 

Loras breathes a sigh of relief and both of the young men scramble to put on their tunics. They walk with me back to my chambers and none of us say a single word the whole way there. 

“Olyvar, I need a word with her...please?” Loras tells his companion when we have reached my chambers. His friend nods and sets off back the way we had come. “I know this isn’t easy for you Sansa but I want I want to thank you, for not making me choose. I promise you that when you find someone that you care about I will show you the same courtesy.” He reaches for my hand and kisses it as he takes his leave and surprisingly it does not feel nearly so exciting as it did when a certain nameless man did the same thing.


	4. Chapter 4

The royal wedding ceremony has been going on for so long that I am nearly bored to tears. Loras is just as bored beside me. The only thing that makes it interesting are the glimpses I catch of my nameless knight. He is in attendance as he said he would be. I can not identify his House by his clothing. He is seated next to an older and younger man on either side of him. Perhaps he is unmarried? Some part of me hopes so and then I push the thought aside remembering that I am married. 

As the ceremony finally ends we move out onto the grounds for the feast. My knight is seated at a table four tables over from where Loras and I sit. I try not to stare but I can not stop myself from glancing over at him often. Several nobles stop to talk to him. There are many people wandering about and chatting. The music for dancing will not begin for several more courses but socializing is entirely appropriate at this point in the feast. I wonder if he has seen me sitting here. I wonder if he will come over and talk to me. 

At the end of the second course Loras leans closer to me and whispers on my ear. “Does Ser Harlan Hunter know how you feel about him or are you a secret admirer?” 

“What?” I ask and then follow his gaze to the table where my knight is sitting. “He is of House Hunter?” 

“Yes, I take it you have not been introduced.” Loras tells me. 

“I… well.. we met once.” I stammer a blush forming on my cheeks. “But it was the middle of the night and I did not learn his name.” 

Loras raises an eyebrow. “Really? I wouldn’t have pegged you for a clandestine meeting with a man in the middle of the night.” 

“I couldn’t sleep and I ventured to the kitchen for a bite to eat. I found him there looking for lemon cakes.There was nothing untoward about it.” I tell him, somewhat embarrassed to tell the tale. “He asked me if will dance with him at the royal wedding.” 

Loras responds with a laugh. “I’m sure you were the perfect lady.” He says more seriously. “Harlan Hunter is the youngest son of his father and is unmarried. He’ll never be Lord of Longbow hall with two older brothers in line before him. He was granted knighthood after the battle of Blackwater. Rumor has it that he is seeking a great house to serve as a sworn knight...Perhaps he would like to serve House Tyrell. It is only fitting that Lady Tyrell should have her own shield.” 

I gape at my husband’s suggestion in disbelief, blushing all the while. 

“I am quite serious.” Loras says, still smiling. “And I think you should dance with him if you get the chance.” 

Stunned, my gaze returns to Ser Harlan Hunter and I find that he has finally noticed my presence. He smiles at me from where he sits and I return his smile. The dancing will not begin for some time. I am tingling with anticipation for when it does. 

The feast seems to drag on even more slowly than the ceremony did. I take a few bites of each course and find that I am already stuffed before it has ended. The music begins and my stomach lurches. Should I simply sit here and wait for Ser Harlan to come fine me? Loras solves the problem for me. 

“Shall we dance my lady?” He asks at my side and I willingly take his arm and follow him to dance with the other guests. 

We dance through three songs and I catch Ser Harlan gazing at me from his table. Finally he gets up and approaches me. I am suddenly nervous when I see him coming and hardly even realize that my hands are shaking. 

“Don’t worry.” Loras whispers in my ear. “If you get tired of him you can always tell him you must get back to your husband.” 

I give him a look of thankfulness. 

“And if he hurts you in any way I’ll never allow him near you again.” Loras tells me and I find myself smiling. It is a good feeling to have someone looking after me. 

“Might I borrow this lady from you for a dance Ser?” Harlan asks Loras and Loras nods his permission. 

I take Harlan’s hand as Loras steps away. He dances close to me. One hand is on my waist and before the song is ended his hand has moved to the small of my back. I bite back a gasp at the sensation. 

“I take you must be Lady Sansa Tyrel?” He asks me. 

“I am. My husband informed me that you are Ser Harlan of House Hunter.” I reply. 

“It is good to have a name to go with such a lovely face.” He tells me and I tell myself not to blush though I doubt I can stop myself. 

“You are too kind Ser.” I tell him. 

We dance through several songs and he shamelessly flirts with me through it all and I let him. I can hardly believe I am doing this, dancing with a man who is not my husband and flirting with him. But I am old enough to know now that life is not a song. Even my own parents did not have a perfect marriage. Jon Snow is proof of that. I am enjoying the way Harlan Hunter looks at me like I am beautiful. He makes me laugh and the feeling of his hand on my back is a burning but pleasant distraction. The fourth song comes to an end and Harlan’s face saddens. 

“I fear that if I dance with you any longer, people will begin to talk.” He says. “They’ll be rumors that I have impure intentions concerning you.” 

“Do you?” I ask him more boldly than my usual self. 

Harlan glances over at Loras who is chatting with one of his Tyrel cousins. He opens his mouth to speak and thinks the better of it and closes it again. The music has ended and music is starting for the fourth dance. “If I did it would be quite stupid of of me. Your husband is a better knight than I am.” 

I understand his words perfectly. He wants to dance with me longer but is worried about what Loras will do about it. “My husband will only harm you if I ask him to. Who cares what people say about us? You are a wonderful dancer.” I say with a smile.”And I’d rather not stop dancing.” 

Harlan smiles back at me and takes my hand. We dance until the music ends and King Joffrey calls forth the entertainment. I am seated with my husband again while the king laughs and laughs about the dwarves who put on a show about the wars. Loras is disgusted about the way Reny is portrayed in this drama as am I about the part of my brother. 

I watch as the entertainment turns into a chance for Joffrey make fun of his uncle’s stature and I feel pity for Tyrion Lannister. He was kind to me once when Joffrey was having me punished. If Lord Tyrion is at fault for anything it is certainly not for his stature. He did not chose that as his lot in life. Margaery gracefully distracts the king when the pie is brought out and I think that the rest of the feast will go smoothly now. 

Then Joffrey is choking and Queen Cersei is screaming and Lady Margaery -Queen Margaery- is standing there in shock. I watch as Cersei Lannister accuses her own brother Tyrion of killing her son and the guards drag him away to a cell. The wedding party breaks up soon after that. Loras takes my arm to bring me back to my chambers and I struggle to hide my happiness the entire way there. Joffrey is dead. I just spent an afternoon dancing with charming handsome young man...and Joffrey is dead. 

*********************************

I awaken with a feeling of sickness filling my stomach. I barely make it to the privy in time to empty the contents of my stomach into a chamber pot. Three times I vomit before I am able to stand and stumble back to the bed. 

“Are you alright, Sansa?” Loras asks from the bed. 

“Yes, I’m just feeling ill for some reason.” I say, slightly confused as I have not been near any sick people that I am aware of. 

“How long since your last moonblood?” He asks me. 

I stare at him, unsure why he is asking me this. 

“Olyvar works at a brothel. He says that women who are with child are often sick.” Loras tells me. 

I think quickly to my last moonblood which was just over a week before I’d married Loras and should have come again by now. “It should have come four days ago.” I tell him, realization dawning on me. 

Loras breathes a sigh of relief. “Good. As long as the pregnancy goes well, then House Tyrell will have their heir.” 

I find myself smiling. I too am relieved that I will have a highborn child as it should be. “I should see the maester to be sure.” 

Loras nods his agreement. “Yes and after we have made an announcement I will ask Ser Hunter to join our household. He is still in the city for a few more days…. that is, if you want me to ask him?” 

I can hardly hold back my joy. I have not seen Ser Harlan since the royal wedding but I have been thinking about him often. “Yes, I want you to.” 

“Good. He’ll just be a member of the household guard for now. That could change later on.” Loras tells me as he gets out of bed. I grab him and hug him as thanks before I let him leave the room. 

**********************************

I answer the knock on my chamber doors with shaking hands. I am not afraid. I am just anxious, nervous. This is the first day that Ser Harlan will be my shield. He is not a sworn shield, just a member of the household that my husband has assigned to see to my safety. Loras spoke to him about a position two days ago and Harlan was happy to accept. I wipe the sweaty palms of my hands on my skirt before opening the door. 

“Good morning Ser Harlan.” I say hardly able to hold back my smile. 

“Good morning Lady Sansa. Your husband tells me I am to escort you to the gardens today and act as your shield. Are you ready?” 

I nod and follow him out of the room. I long to take his arm but a lady does not show familiarity with her shield in public. Ser Harlan follows me to the gardens and stays with me all day as I have tea with Lady Margaery, have lunch with Lady Stokeworth. Then we wander about the gardens for a while, just the two of us and he tells me about Longbow Hall and speak of Winterfell. He keeps his distance from me as we walk but I can still see the way he looks at me, as if I am the most desirable woman in all the world. I can’t say that I dislike the feeling his gazes give me. By the time we reach my chambers that evening, Ser Harlan seems flustered, not at all his charming self. I fumble with the key to my room and he watches me as if about to say something but is unsure how to say it. 

“Lady Sansa, I fear I may have made a mistake.” He says.

I stop trying to unlock the door and look up to meet his gaze. “What mistake?” 

“I should have never agreed to be your shield. Perhaps I should have never taken the position your husband offered me at all, but I am sure that I am not the right man to guard you.” He says looking stricken. 

“Why ever not? I was told that you fought very bravely at the Blackwater, that you took down many of Stannis men with only a dagger. I can’t imagine a better knight to guard me.” I say. 

“I thank you for your confidence in me, truly I do. This isn’t about my skills in battle... if your husband saw the way I look at you…” He says and I know that he is trying to admit that he has feelings for me that are improper. That he wants to be released from service.

“My husband has seen the way you look at me. He doesn’t care.” I say, stepping closer and putting my hand on his arm. 

“Then the rumors are true...about Ser Loras preferences?” He asks, uncomfortably. 

I nod. “Yes, but he is still a good man, one of the best men I know. He has been very kind to me. He wants me to be happy.” I say, stepping close enough to him that it’s as if we are about to dance. I place my other hand on his chest. 

Understanding dawns on Harlan in that moment and instead of fleeing from the strangeness of the situation like I expect he might, he wraps his arms around me and kisses me. I am lost in bliss. 

***************************

I wake up with my head on Ser Loras chest. My belly is beginning to show signs of pregnancy. I have found it uncomfortable to hug him the way I used to because of my growing body. 

“You smell like him, like Ser Harlan.” Loras tells me. He doesn’t sound upset. It’s more like he’s thinking out loud. 

“Are you jealous?” I ask him, teasing.

Loras doesn’t answer me. He reaches over and touches my stomach. 

“I never thought I would be a father.” He says. “Not really. I am glad that it’s you who will be the mother of my child.” 

My eyes fill with tears and I know in this moment that I do love my husband and that he loves me. Not in the romantic way that men and women fall in love. What we have is something else entirely. But it is love all the same and I will take as much of it as I can get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me you don't hate it. I've never written a story quite like this before. I wrote this from a hospital room over the past few days while I'm here with my husband who is recovering from cancer. Writing helped keep me sane. I hope what I have written isn't too terrible to be enjoyed by any reader I might have. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this.


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